Living with severe PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

by bryan maynard

How do I admit and ACCEPT that my brain is injured,

that after nearly five decades all my journaling, counseling, ‘praying,’ and

making lists of positive and negative thoughts,

it is finally the hard science of brain imaging

                                                      that reveals the answer I’ve been seeking for why

I have not been able to find ‘normal’ peace of mind?

Persistent trauma in early childhood and chronic invalidation of

paralyzing anxiety and polarizing emotions has left my frontal cortex

severely diminished and dwarfed from a fully developed condition.

It is my lot that I experience ’emotional dysregulation,’

                                                 that I have something called “Affect Intolerance,” which means I get internal hurricanes at

                                               the sound of a dropped plate, or in large public places with all their noises.

It is a hidden wound, invisible to others who don’t know me,

invisible even to me at times, but

it never leaves me for long.

It is here with me, and I have to do the work of

                    accepting that this is

                                        part of my reality.

 We all have our journey to make

                      and suffering eventually comes to every person,

                              some at the hands of others and some not.